


Maybe

by lovelyisthenight (sparkle_1)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-23 12:16:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9657122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkle_1/pseuds/lovelyisthenight
Summary: Because feelings are weakness. And to display his weaknesses, out in the open, where anybody could see and exploit them?Unforgivable.





	

He's not actually an emotionless person.

Everyone thinks he is, but he's not.

 “Oh, Seung-gil,” they say. “Always so passive, nothing ever gets to him. And so insensitive, the only feelings he cares about are his own.”

 Well. They're wrong.

 Things do get to him. And he cares about other people.

 He just can't afford to show it, not in front of everybody.

 Because feelings are weakness. And to display his weaknesses, out in the open, where anybody could see and exploit them?

 Unforgivable.

 And he had just done it. He had just cried in front of everyone.

 Well. It was just a few tears, really. And he doesn't think anyone actually saw him, walking down the hall.

 But anyone _could_ have seen. And that's another reason he's so upset right now.

 He had come back to the hotel room early, intent on getting some rest. But as soon as his head touched the pillow, it had been one unwanted thought after another, replays of everything he had done wrong, relentless critiquing on how he could've done better, _so much better,_  if only he'd done _this_ or _this_ or _this -_

 And they still haven't _stopped,_ they keep running around in his mind, around and around, and now he's dizzy, and his stomach hurts, and he's so _dizzy…_

 He quickly sits up in bed, hoping to ground himself, only to notice that his hands are shaking violently and _goddamnit,_ he's crying again.

 And he's still dizzy.

 His stomach lurches, threatening to empty itself, but he manages to swallow it down and runs a trembling hand through his hair.

 That… actually helps, a little bit.

 He brings up his other hand to his head, tangling his fingers tightly in the shaggy locks there, forcing them to stop shaking so hard.

 His eyes fall shut, and he forces himself to breathe.

 Deep breaths.

  _In._

  _Out._

 He's still dizzy, but he doesn't feel like he's going to throw up anymore, so he'll take what he can get.

  _In._

  _Out._

 He can hear his heart, trying to slow its frantic pace as he evens his breathing.

  _In…_

  _Out._

 His eyes flutter open, squinting at the light from the bedside lamp, and he notes that the room is not spinning.

 Was the room spinning before? Maybe. He doesn't know, it could have been. The thing is, it's not now, so that's a good sign, right?

 He sighs, although it doesn't really make a difference because he's still breathing heavily. His hands find their way from his hair to his face, where they work at wiping away the most recent set of tears.

He just cried. Twice. In one night. 

That's not like him at all.

 But, then, he hadn't skated like himself tonight, either. All those mistakes, and -

 No. No. This is the same thought process that had led to this whole thing in the first place.

 He needs to distract himself.

 He fumbles around for his phone, he knows he had it with him…

 Ah, there it is. His fingers close around the hard case as he picks it up, quickly tapping in his passcode to unlock it and opening the first app he sees.

 The most recent picture on his Instagram feed is of his own dog looking stoically toward the camera. It had been posted by his older sister, presumably when she had stopped by the apartment to feed and walk her for him.

 The majority of the other pictures are of dogs, too, since he mostly just follows accounts about them. There are a few that aren't, though, like another one his sister posted - this time of her breakfast from this morning - and some ridiculous meme his cousin had posted, and…

When had he started following Phichit Chulanont? 

He supposes if he were to follow another skater, it would be Phichit. He's the only one who can really tolerate his rudeness, and even seems to enjoy being around him.

 He just doesn't recall following him.

 But he must have, because there's a selfie of him, sitting in front of a TV, smiling broadly. Seung-gil can't quite make out what's on the TV screen, but he can guess, based on Phichit’s enthusiastic thumbs-up and the caption reading, _good luck, skaters! #rostelecomcup #wishiwasthere._

 Phichit was watching.

 He was watching when he had screwed up any chances of going to the Finals.

 He had screwed up, he had…

 Desperate to fend off another wave of panic, he taps Phichit's username, going to his profile and scrolling through the seemingly endless amount of pictures.

 All of them are… happy.

 Whether selfies of himself smiling, or candid photos of his friends, or pictures of random animals, all of Phichit's posts are undeniably _happy_. It's a little calming, but Seung-gil’s thoughts are so _loud,_ and so _overwhelming…_

 Phichit probably never freaks out, like Seung-gil is. He probably wouldn't understand. But… he's so… friendly, and _encouraging,_  all the time, maybe…

 Before he can berate himself for making a stupid, spur-of-the-moment decision, he's opening direct messaging with Phichit and typing out a quick _“Hi”_ with trembling fingers, sending it immediately so he doesn't have time to regret it.

 He turns off the screen and shoves the phone down into the covers, feeling even more stupid than he already was. Why would Phichit want to talk to him? He probably isn't even still up, he probably doesn't -

 He jumps at the notification sound, scrambling for his phone and letting out a shaky laugh when he sees that Phichit had replied almost at once. He swipes to see the full message.

  **phichit+chu**

_hey, seung-gil! what's up? great job skating tonight, you did awesome!!!_

 Seung-gil sucks in a breath, waiting a few moments before replying.

  **You**

_Thanks._

  **phichit+chu**

_no problem!!_

  **phichit+chu**

_so what's up??_

  **phichit+chu**

_bc no offense, but you never rlly talk to me_

 Seung-gil sighs. He knew this was a bad idea.

  **You**

_Sorry. I'll go._

 Phichit responds immediately.

  **phichit+chu**

_no don't leav!_

  **phichit+chu**

_is everything ok??_

 That's a great question. The answer would be obvious to anyone standing in the same room as Seung-gil that, no, everything is _not_ okay. He's still fucking shaking, and his breathing hasn't fully slowed down. His stomach still hurts a little.

 But Phichit isn't in the room. He could lie, and say he was fine, that he just felt like talking, or… something.

 He sighs, again. He seems to be doing that a lot lately.

 Well, he's done so much stupid shit tonight, what's a little more?

  **You**

_Kind of freaking out_

  **phichit+chu**

_!!!_

  **phichit+chu**

_good freaking out, or bad freaking out?_

  **You**

_Bad_

  **You**

_Like really bad_

  **phichit+chu**

_ok_

  **phichit+chu**

_are you breathing okay?_

  **You**

_Yeah_

  **You**

_I mean I just had a panic attack but I'm still freaking out_

  **You**

_I can't stop thinking and I think I'm gonna have another one_

  **You**

_I don't want to have another one_

  **phichit+chu**

_ok_

  **phichit+chu**

_have you had some water?_

 Seung-gil pauses. That sounds like a good idea. Water.

  **You**

_No I'll go get some_

  **phichit+chu**

_ok, as soon as you drink some water can you video call me?_

 He's already on two shaky legs and striding toward the fridge, as purposefully as he can manage. He opens the door and grabs a bottled water, unscrewing the cap and gulping down most of it in seconds. It's nice and cool down his throat, refreshing. He takes the bottle with him back over to the bed.

  **You**

_I don't think I have your number, can you call me?_

 Phichit doesn't bother to answer before he calls.

 Seung-gil takes a few seconds to breathe, closing his eyes and settling back into the bed before picking up.

 Immediately Phichit's face is filling up his screen, his eyes squinty from sleep.

 “I woke you up,” Seung-gil rasps. God, his voice sounds horrible. “Sorry.”

 “No, no,” Phichit reassures. His voice is… calm, and soothing. “It's okay, don't worry about that, okay?”

 Seung-gil nods. He watches the other man smile, though his eyebrows are raised with concern.

 “You had a panic attack? How are you feeling?”

 Seung-gil closes his eyes.

 “Tired,” he mutters.

 Phichit chuckles on the screen.

 “That's to be expected.”

 “And… embarrassed. I'm not usually like this.”

He hears Phichit sigh heavily.

 “I know. But you're not alone, every skater has had some kind of panic attack at one point or another.”

 Seung-gil cracks one eye open.

 “Not you,” he protests.

 “Oh, yes, me,” Phichit counters.

 What? But he's so… so lighthearted, and laidback, and…

 Phichit laughs lightly at whatever expression Seung-gil is making.

 “I'm not without my own anxieties, Seung-gil,” he says. “Sometimes, all the pressure gets to you, and it just sort of… breaks you. It can be pretty scary. I'm guessing that's what happened with you?”

 Seung-gil's face falls.

 “Yeah,” he whispers. “Although, I think… mostly, it was the pressure I put on myself.”

 Phichit nods sympathetically.

 “I can understand that,” he says, just as Seung-gil yawns. “And I think you should get some sleep, now,” he adds gently.

 “Okay,” Seung-gil murmurs.

 “Feel free to call me any time, though, if you just want to talk, or…”

 Seung-gil nods sleepily.

 “G’night,” he says through another yawn.

 “Good night,” Phichit echoes, giving one last smile before he hangs up the call.

 Seung-gil sets his phone on the nightstand, burrowing deeper under the covers and letting a tiny smile fall into place on his lips.

 Maybe feelings are weakness. Maybe he should keep them buried deep inside of him, and not let anybody see them.

 But maybe, maybe…

 Maybe somebody wants to see them, to help him, not to hurt him. Maybe he can finally let someone in.

And maybe he will be stronger for it.

**Author's Note:**

> Because nothing says "ship us!" like two people who have never even spoken in canon. #letseungchuchumeet2k17


End file.
